A Clydesdale, Some Thin Walls, and Eggs

Well sleep is eluding me and I thought I would take a moment to write a few sentences. My dedication to writing in this blog is in my forethought. I feel alone right now. I feel as though I have not a real purpose in my life. I don’t share my life with anyone. I keep to myself a lot of the time. The funny thing about that thought is that is what I prefer. Or is it? This is a question that I cannot for the life of me answer honestly.

In my addiction which was basically two thirds of my life. The people that were closest to me started to slowly disappear. I’m pretty sure or at least I would like to think that it was not the first choice. But in the end I drove them all away through my actions or inaction. Not being a great nurturer of relationships, and my otherworldly selfishness, ultimately ended all of them. I often wonder if I like being alone or if it is what I am accustomed to. A mix of the two I would imagine. Lately though I have been longing for companionship or something that looks like that. Not so much in the romantic realm but to have a friend that I could tolerate or they could tolerate me. You see I often get worn out by others. I usually have these thoughts of “I wonder when this person is going to shut up”. This is not a great recipe for anything. It is a shitty way of thinking about others. I am spiritually sick and I know this about me.

In the throws of my drinking and using I would often go months without talking to anyone. The people in AA weren’t calling. My family had given up. Friends were long, long gone. It was such a mess. Now that I am on the mend those things sound appealing to me. Then on the other hand when I am with people from the program. When we are out to dinner, I often dream about the next hour or so when I will be back at my place and be in silence. I crave silence a lot of the time. My living situation is somewhat unique. I am using this online service where you pay weekly and have your own room in a house (or in my situation it is a duplex). Me and my housemates share a kitchen etc then we all have our own separate rooms. The walls are thin and people are walking around like Clydesdale horses. I am mousy. They are not.

I grew up in a two bedroom apartment for the most part. We had a house when I was a young kid but those memories are vague. My real memories are of the five of us in a two bedroom apartment. All trying to navigate our youth on top of one another. Yelling and arguing. Some of it normal. A lot of it fueled by the environment of a broken family. Plenty of confusion and not a whole lot of space to hash it all out. So what I am getting at is that I like the quiet. It’s four in the morning now and all the little ponies are asleep and I am in bliss. Although I know that tomorrow I will pay dearly for my predawn pecking. One of my roommates has her son staying over here. The two of them in a small room. She technically shouldn’t have him over here. He is a angry little man and I see myself in him. I have empathy for the kid. He is at that age that I was when I needed a male figure in my life. Someone to show me what to do, to become a responsible dude. I see it in his eyes. I believe we have mirrors that are placed in front of us throughout our lives. He is that for me right now.

This kid is always arguing with his mother. Slamming doors. Storming out of the place. The other night got home from work and he had thrown quite a few eggs at her car. I am him. I used to tell my mother to fu#$& off on the regular. Man do I know where this kid is at. How did I get to this spot in this blog entry? Well no turning back now….

Pretty sure this entry started with me not being able to sleep. Followed by a somewhat nagging sense of loneliness. Then I got on a tangent about how my thirst for quiet came about. Then I made some horse analogies and now I need to take a leak. For fucks sake.

Through all of my complaining I do have a general sense of gratitude. I never want that to be lost. Putting this all down and out of my head is a great help. It goes nowhere and for the most part means very little, but I would rather it live here than in my head. That’s the whole point. I hope you are well. If you aren’t doing good and you are drunk or high and don’t want to be I get it. There is hope out there. Help is out there. God makes all of this possible. Take care friends.